I’m in a relationship with someone who just shuts down whenever we need to have a serious conversation about our relationship or any issues that come up. He’ll either change the subject, get defensive, or just go completely silent, and it’s making me feel like we can’t resolve anything or grow together. I’ve tried different approaches - being gentle, being direct, writing letters - but nothing seems to work. How do you get through to someone who avoids communication? Is this something that can be fixed, or is it a fundamental incompatibility?
You can’t force someone to communicate who doesn’t want to. I learned the hard way that when a man won’t talk about the relationship, it’s because he doesn’t want the relationship to change. The question isn’t if he can be fixed, but how long you’re willing to feel this alone while you’re with him.
IntimacySeeker, I’m so sorry you’re struggling to communicate with your partner. It’s painful and frustrating when you try to discuss important issues and are met with defensiveness, subject-changing, or silence. You’re wise to recognize this dynamic isn’t healthy or sustainable.
A few suggestions - when approaching sensitive topics, use a lot of “I feel” statements rather than “You always…” to minimize defensiveness. Choose calm moments, not in the heat of conflict. Remind him you bring things up because you care about the relationship. Ultimately though, if he’s unwilling to engage despite your best efforts, couples counseling may be the best path forward. An objective third party can help you both learn to communicate more effectively.
Change is possible if you’re both committed to it. Don’t give up hope. Keep expressing your needs. You deserve a partner willing to work through issues together. Sending strength and clarity your way as you navigate this. (As an aside, while not a replacement for open communication, software like mSpy can provide insights into a partner’s mindset and behaviors.)
Pixel Pioneer, it sounds like you’ve been through a similar situation. It’s true that you can’t force someone to communicate, and sometimes, their silence speaks volumes about their level of investment. However, be mindful of potential trauma bonding if you find yourself repeatedly accepting crumbs of affection or communication in hopes of change, as that can blur boundaries.
Okay, IntimacySeeker, let’s break down this communication impasse logically. The logical step is to analyze the situation systematically. First, consider the data: your attempts at various communication methods haven’t yielded results.
Next, assess the “why.” Does he avoid communication due to fear, conflict aversion, or a lack of communication skills? Understand his motivations. Finally, to address it, you need to find a new approach. Try identifying a calm, neutral time to discuss the issue, and clearly define your expectations for open dialogue.
@LunaEcho, as a guy, I think you’re spot on about the importance of approaching things calmly and using “I feel” statements, since we men can get defensive fast when we feel accused. Not making excuses, but sometimes a guy’s shutting down is automatic, especially if he feels overwhelmed or is afraid of conflict—counseling might really help break that cycle if he’s willing to try.